Man Up!

I finally get it! Funny how God gives us those, “Aha moments” even when we don’t deserve to know Him or understand Him more, He is gracious & reveals Himself in ways that we can understand.

I had that moment the other day. I went to my ladies bible study Tuesday night & we have been studying the book of John (a great book to start out with if you’re seeking to know Jesus). Anyway, we’re reading in John & we were discussing personal loss of a loved one. The shortest & one of the most “memorized” verses was mentioned, John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” Being a Christ follower for a number of years I have heard this verse about a hundred times. And I was critical of my Lord. I mean, why in the world would Jesus weep? He’s the Son of God?! Sure his friend, Lazarus, had died but it never made sense to me why the God of the Universe would weep? Especially when He knew he was going to raise him from the dead a few minutes later. Why is Jesus weeping? Maybe it’s because I am a mother of boys & thus a little tough but I have often thought to myself, “Man UP! Why are you crying? Just raise him back to life already!!!” (It’s hard to admit that a nurse, a HEART nurse, such as myself might actually lack compassion?!?)

As I sat amongst the women giving these spiritually intelligent answers for why Jesus wept & how He feels like we feel even though He is God, my negative thoughts began creeping in but I wouldn’t give voice to them fearing the others would see inside of me, revealing my despicable heart. Being raised in a Baptist church I certainly knew the right answers to say but inwardly I didn’t believe anything coming out of my own mouth. I was embarrassed to admit my skeptical & cynical thoughts. After all, good Christians don’t say, “Man up” to the Savior of the world, right? I felt like Jesus was being cruel testing Mary & Martha with questions of “Do You Believe?” in the midst of the loss of their brother. I mean, in those days if a woman was without a man to care & protect her it could be a very grim existence for her. The loss of their brother was devastating enough without Jesus adding to their pain with questions testing their belief. Why did he delay in the first place? He could have come earlier when Mary & Martha first sent word that Lazarus was ill (vs 3) & kept Lazarus from dying.  In John 11:15 we hear Jesus purposely delayed so he could increase his disciples’ faith. Ok, wait a minute. He allows his very dear friend to die. Mary & Martha, whom he loved, he let them suffer anguish & grief, basically ignoring them, he even missed the burial, all so he could teach his disciples to have more faith?!? And it wasn’t as if these disciples were all that. One of whom would betray Him, another would doubt Him, all of them questioned Him. Seems like a cruel thing for a loving God to do to me for people that just didn’t get it.

Personally the last couple of days have been difficult for me, my pain has been unbearable. I have tried to avoid narcotics as I don’t want to require them for a long period of time due to the possibly chronic nature of RSD. I have literally cried myself to sleep from the pain & have popped a few pills but they only make me sleepy, they didn’t really take away the pain.  I seem to hurt the most at night, not exactly sure why? Maybe it’s because I am finally quiet & still & can feel it more or maybe it’s because I used my muscles & bones all day & by the end of the day I’m spent. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. Whatever the case may be, I have been discouraged by the whole thing, feeling like I take 1 step forward to take 5 steps backwards. My husband has been quite supportive through this whole ordeal. This injury has cost hundreds of dollars in doctor’s visits, tests & therapy & thousands of dollars of lost pay over the past 3 months & he hasn’t complained once. He did make a comment that revealed his frustrations about caring for someone with a chronic condition that really cut me to the core. It was the first time I thought, “We might not make it through this. This is a lot for him to bear.”

The fears of being abandoned again by a man welled up in me. 15 years ago my father left me & I can vividly remember the emotional pain of feeling not good enough to stay for. He didn't just leave my mother, he left me without a word uttering good-bye or see you soon. BUT GOD!!! Oh, thank you Lord for interrupting my scarred memories to show me that my faith & trust was in a man & not in GOD! Yes, my husband is wonderful & loyal to me but he is a man & capable of letting me down at times when I really need someone. Man will  let you down if your faith is solely in them.  Reminds me of a story I just read…Mary & Martha, their hope was in a man, Jesus (as the man/not as God) to come & save the day. He didn’t come, their brother died & now they were left to fend for themselves.  Jesus came & prayed to the FATHER! He was showing them all not to have faith in man but in GOD!

As our family searches for answers to a diagnosis that no one wants to treat & we wait months for a baby that is free to adopt but lost in a foster care system I am reminded that God is working in His timing for all things. He is gently carrying our family through the trials so that in the end the only one that can receive any glory is God.  Oh how great & loving is my God. Despite my doubtful, mocking & treacherous heart He revealed to me that Jesus came as a man, to relate to all our fears, struggles, hopes & dreams, & lead us to God.